sign..?!

flowers dying in a deliberately ignored corner of her room... clothes strewn across the floor.. phones ringing to the nines and then calls waiting... music slowing down to nothingness... fan letting of a whine... coffee machine careening slowly... a painting less than half done... empty glasses around her bed...

is there a sign here?

wish...

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
- Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

That's pretty much all she has to say... then she looks up again to her li'l piece of the sky and sees a star blink... her gaze shifts to the crystal glass she holds as it catches the glint off the street light... she sees a bare tree under the light and a silent wish escapes her lips...

lower case...

she's probably moved a total of 110 cms in 2 days now... a smoke an hour and some other stuff to keep her company... a coffee pot bubbling through the night... mindless movies buzzing on her screen and a sketchy painting on her easel...

refusing to ponder... only willing to float... absorbing... en-circling... yet rested... there is peace... in the faraway glaze of her very quiet eyes... ultimately... it's all ok. if it's not ok... it's not the end.

elixir...?

cup of coffee in her hands, wind rustling in the trees...

her walk in the rain continued at night as well.. only to be interrupted by the loud jangle of her cellphone! (it was still Coldplay and she still loves it.. but it was a work call!)

and now there she sits... at this crazy hour... cup of coffee still in her hands... 2 phones on alternate calls... 'resolving issues!'

sleep is a distant wish and a forgotten memory all at the same time!

weds...?!

And then there are those moments where she just cuddles into herself and hibernates... The soft winter chill surrounds her and the raindrops fall on her head as she struggles with life's most 'minor' decisions in the early morn!

Numerous reasons to get moving... one to bring a sparkle in her eyes...!

~ wading through a wednesday!

pink pajamas... ;)

Pink Pajamas and Purple T-shirt! yeah.. that's what she's wearing and the sky's decided to take on those colors as well! It's an embrace of sorts... and she probably needs it!

Her destructive powers have decided to work the other way round these days and shes started to get things moving... (she should be happy you would think!) well.. she's missing the poltergeist in her... she likes to devastate!

The powers that be have been deemed answerable and well... we shall see! She will be back!

Footnote: Poletrgeist looks like she's gettin back in.. I've already tried to 'justify' this post 3 times but to no avail..!

will..?!

She lets the cold engulf her as she surrounds herself with the smell of stale smoke from the ashtray she's stuffed in the cupboard in a rush to clear the tell tale signs... she curiously sniffs into a quarter of 'orange twist' and is met by a heady rush to the senses...

She's listening to songs that are breaking her heart and her dawn seems far away... her will has decided to reassert itself in myriad ways and it's been tumultuous! she doesn't know where it's takin her... for once she's let it all go and float with it... let it turn into dark alleys or long stairways... or take the path with the sun rising at the horizon and the wind rustling in the trees!

This shall also pass!

absconce...

Airplane after airplane rattles the windows of her closely guarded abode to the shattering point of an opera singers voice... she turns pages blindly... wanting to read but just managing to let her thoughts rotate in her twiddly head!

She's been thinking of the quiet days she been having... peace may not be it... as the quiescence takes over, the book tumbles below and she's fast asleep... only to be woken up after 6 hrs by Coldplay playing on her cellphone and 'Mom' flashing wildly! Apparently she has been declared 'absconding' from her organization for no fathomable reason whatsoever! (~sighs! silently wishes life declared her absconding!)

So much for the quiescence... she decides it's time to shake up her world a li'l and barges into office dressed to kill! ;) (kill is the keyword!) As someone put it, 'you managed to shake up the world today just by deciding to crawl out of bed!'

~contented smile! so much for the absconce!

starlight...

And she sits surrounded by quiescence save for her heartbeat as drag after drag of useless smoke fills her lungs! Her thoughts are random and fleeting... she's looking for a star in her sky... her own li'l piece of the sky which she stares upto every night! All she manages is a look unto darkness..

The sun she knows will rise again.. but will it break through the clouds in her piece of the sky?!

The smoke's over... the stars don't shine... the trees just rustle and bid gnite!

tussle...

She gets up in the morning rubbing her eyes... she hasn't really slept and the puffed up darkened eyes of half sleep are evidence that thr's been a tussle in her head...

Free to be... want to be... or made to be?

The answer is not easy... it wrenches every bit of her... the black angels in her head are screaming vengeance... she knows it won't 'not hurt' but she also knows there still might be no answers...

And then:

The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind
The answer is blowin in the wind.

How many years must a mountain exist
Before it is washed to the sea?
How many years can some people exist
Before theyre allowed to be free?
How many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesnt see?

The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind
The answer is blowin in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
How many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
How many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?

The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind
The answer is blowin in the wind.
The answer is blowin in the wind.

(lyrics from blowin in the wind.. Bob Dylan)

free...!

He sends her a leaf... she knows its special... flowers have always been a 'rotting waste' to him... a leaf has signified purity...

She lets the leaf play around in her hands and as she stands in the balcony.... the breeze takes the leaf away... it swirls... free! it rises and falls... lowers and settles only to decide to play with the wind again! :)

It finally settles in a corner of the balcony... and as she picks it up gingerly, it flies away...

She smiles... she knows it's even more special!

?!

Sitting in the vulnerability of the moonshine streaming through her windows she lets her thoughts wander... Her eyes are searching for answers to the myriad questions in her life... her soul burns within the lava of her life...

Mute she lies... under the window
The cold haunts her and grips her
She snuggles deeper into her blanket and changes tracks on the player
She just cant seem to relate... neither to the 'track' of her player nor to the 'track' of her life..

She floats...

~sighs! and dozes off!