striptease

when an angel smiles at her demons and wishes upon a star...!

she closed her eyes to a rancour of thunder... she opened them to flames... she let her soul dance to a swan song as its every bit lay threadbare...!

craving silence

the sounds that the morning is here reached her ears as she stared out the window into the fog... her tired eyes began to see inkblots as she reached for the pillow... 

as she closed her eyes to the waking up world she wished for a dreamless sleep..!

wayward

legs crossed and huddled in her flowing black skirt... fiddling with her tousled curly hair... a faraway look in her eyes... in this moment she is not here...

zoya

जब भी मिलती है मुझे अजनबी लगती क्यों है?
ज़िन्दगी रोज़ नए रंग बदलती क्यों है?

she's had these lines from umrao jaan echoing in her head!

silence.

"Someone falls to pieces

Sleepin all alone

Someone kills the pain

Spinning in the silence

To finally drift away

Someone gets excited

In a chapel yard

Catches a bouquet

Another lays a dozen

White roses on a grave"

- Audioslave

In memory of the victims of the Siege of Mumbai... In memory of all the lives that were lost in a country with maimed leaders..

The real story here.

weekends!

lazy saturday morning and the sun breaks through the clouds straight onto her... she winces and hides her face, adjusting her eyes to the light she looks down from her balcony at the scenes of an everyday... and she hears her insides scream out a to do list... 

she knows she's found her balance since she can shut that voice up and crawl right back into bed to revel in the laziness! :)

(PS: some kind of a poltergeist seems to have returned yet again to haunt this blog at least! I have not been able to set the font right.. I have not been able to justify the previous post and now the line spacing also goes for a toss!!)

the resurgent smile...

to the sounds of a random strum she sits... there's just plain blocks of concrete surrounding her and the only sky visible is between them haltingly... the sounds of coffee being beaten... a slow warmth manages to trickle for she's with the world that's always made it all meanigful... suddenly she doesnt need to escape... and she s-l-o-w-l-y smiles as playful banter takeover!

dawn at dusk

and it was trying... one drop on the windscreen... half hour later a couple smaller ones more... one drop on her arm as she stretched it out to feel it... and as she parked and made her way up the stairs a raven cackled wildly... as she sat rediscovering the song of her soul it drizzled... 

an amber light... a setting sun... falling leaves... and she remembered him..!

there it was... a loud cackle of thunder... 

moksha in the minions

silence... leaves rustle without a sound... an eagle glides quietly... the soul turns away beckoning a similar silence... when?

did... ?

did you walk under the cloudy sky? did you stare at the sunset? did you notice that white-headed eagle hovering above? did you tug at your hair and make a wistful wish? did you close your eyes to the darkness? did it embrace you...?

high on life...

as the journey becomes more important than the destination... as dreams begin to reach fruition! and as the quiescence gives way to a smile of hope and a wand of peace!

deeper in the whirlpool

she's fighting... she's fighting with herself to let go... she hates the fact she's breaking in her own soul.. she had promised to be strong... (promised to herself..) she asks herself why!

she can fake it to the whole world... she can blame it all on something else... but she knows deep within what it is.. she knows she's shivering at the thought...

this silence when it breaks will be a loud scream... this silence in all its benignity is a crashing bout of madness... a madness that is gripping her and ensconcing her with her each passing moment...

it is but her insanity maybe... it's rankling her right now...

...

and she crashes...

into silence!

(image credits to Sven Geier)

let go..

a sudden tryst with sanity has her up and awake... and the oft repeated question "what am i doing here" keeps her wide eyed for several moments... slowly she lets it all go... slowly she begins to float through it... and slowly... she settles down in nostalgia...!

life's symbolism..

a cuppa of mint coffee*... an open doorway... streams of rain.... 2 ravens on a tree with their backs to each other!

*(78mm copyrighted!)

orbital..

and after days she finds the time and peace in her head to open this page and pen her thoughts! it's still an incomplete painting... she sees it coming to fruition soon! it's still a few empty glasses... she sees a celebration soon! it's still cold and dark outside... but she likes the wind playing with her spirit! :)

her uncalled for hiatus cannot be explained... but yes this is where she has been off late.. 'high on life' with 78mm and her Adventure Log!

boondein

दो बीघा ज़मीन और एक खिड़की आसमान...
पर हाँ.. उस पर एक मुस्कान!

(do beegha zameen aur ek khidki aasmaan...
par haan.. us par ek muskaan!)

to strike

and the way the half moon looks at her from behind the cluster of clouds.. beyond the rustling palm tree as she sits in her doorway... she knows there's a foreboding of some sort...

cold...

tonight she can write the saddest lines... her soul is breaking as words collide... an unending loop... her shadow falls through..

2 strings on 6 string and she tries to belt out a broken tune... a stray twisted string turns her shadow to smithereens...

she knows she's lost this war she waged... she knows its time to gather the bearings and walk on... just walk on... through that unending loop!

lonely?

and then she had something to share yet no one call...
she curled up in bed with a warm cookie and some milk and 'celebrated' in silence!

vicious...

"a three chord symphony crashes into space
the moon is hanging upside down.."
- Dire Straits

when the night comes..

she let her hair drop to her shoulders after a long long day... she had lived through several roles for the day and now wanted to be alone and be herself... those smoke filled hair had started to make her comfortable now... she was able to keep them free longer!

she looked up at dark night sky with deep auburn clouds and huddled up near the doorway as the night whispered her asleep!

then and now

ever felt that you wished for something... wanted something... and eventually, slowly began to give it up? let it all go? and then just as slowly.. after a long time of not believing, not wishing.. ever felt as if its started to come true.. bit by lil bit?? ever begun to re-believe that dreams can come true..?

it's been a monsoony afternoon and she found herself smiling..! someone very recently commented.. 'she seems to like the wind!' :) well.. her spirit runs free with it.. "as wild and reckless as thunder over the land, racing with the eagles, soaring with the wind! Flying... " (from Spirit) and here she was... believing that she could.. believing that it can maybe all come true..!

a(de)ttachment!

and sometimes u need to detach yourself and not see your soul...

she let her hair down... sat in her doorway at the balcony and saw the palm trees rustle in the silent rainy night... lightning behind the clouds and a hush all around!

as the wind played with her hair... and her eyes played with more than just 'her' soul... she wondered why she cared..

as she found her answers... a tear rolled off... ~sigh!

to each his own...

as her hair falls to her shoulders the smell of stale smoke wafts by... her thoughts run to the phase of nicotinated nirvana and she lets out a muted laugh..! Now if only she could let go off the crystal flute..!

psychosis

she comes home and compulsively starts cleaning up and getting the place in order... she picks up the leftovers in the fridge and the remains of a huge fruit plate and nibbles on it... myriad thoughts cross her head and with the first look at herself in the mirror she knows she's losing it...

she randomly walks around the house... she stops by the shelf where she keeps her good glasses (she's always had a thing for glasses!) and questions resound in her head... 'should she break the glass?' 'should she use the shards?'

addicted..

it is but sweet pain... yet her eyes are searching...!

it is but cherished silence... yet there is a bittersweet symphony she yearns for!

it is turmoil... and thus chaos reigns..!

jus this...

no jetplane...

packed bags... curtains pulled down... this place doesn't feel hers anymore.... and then she asks... 'was it ever?'

etched..!

the wind blew through her hair and tousled them into tiny lil curls as she walked along the ocean floor in search of her shadow... she found a few sea shells with the sound of the sea in them... she found her fingers intertwined in his... she looked to the sky and saw a scattering of stars she never imagined.. she saw the sun set on one side and the moon rise on the other as the world turned full circle... as his fingers strummed the guitar she wondered if her world was beginning to turn full circle too...?

and she began to cherish the 'sound of silence!'

what do you see?

and she painted...

starfish?

her hands tremble at the want of inspiration... she knows this is the moment of change where she is the painter... the bulbous molten form is morphing into various shapes (even a starfish in red sand) before it finds it's course... what will be?

vanity..?

she sits in the wee hours of the morning with the cold morning air burning her cheeks as she gathers the tattered edges of her world...

... as her hair frame her face and drop over her shoulders, a wistful expression in her eyes says she looks beautiful... yet in vain...!

the wait...

And the night sky tugs at her heart strings as she waits... wishing.... (hoping?)

Dar(k)ling...

A copy paste Pablo Neruda:

"I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul."

wish..

she saw a shooting star and refrained from wishing on it... she was afraid the wish might come true...

puff of smoke

it was a cold dusty morning... she hadn't really slept... the smell of stale smoke reeking in her tousled open hair brought his thoughts rushing to her... the way his eyes look at her for a meaning deeper than she can ever offer... the way the white headed eagle soars over her gray aura... and the way she looked at the night sky and saw the stars slowly fade away....


PS: 'The Ramblings of My Soul' aka 'naughtyspark' is back in business!

what will be?

and as night fall captures every beat of her heart she looks at the raindrops splashing on the balcony and smiles... she wonders at the obsessive compulsive cleanliness that has taken a grip on her being (true and complete) and can feel a molten burgeoning change... she can feel her silence...

she lets the silence takeover... and waits...

zoya..

"it's like a white fire burning
to the slow music turning!"

as her eyes wander deep within to the unkempt soul, her spirit stares up at a jagged cliff...

life continues... soft.. driven.. slow.. and mad!

and then...

and she closes her eyes... she is surprised... she expected images of a fire breathing volcano to blow her apart but instead saw a bubbling stream...

she opened her eyes to a certain calm around her... her turmoil had begun to reduce... it was as if the cosmos had kept it's hand on her head... her eyes were still puzzled but her spirit was taking a slow stretch!

broken

" aur ek tamanna aaj uske dil me ghar kar gayi..."

she was always afraid of that... dreams are meant to be broken aren't they? that's a question she had asked someone of late and the someone's answer to that was not always.. and not completely.. a part does get fulfilled somewhere....

she had seen in someones eyes a will to fulfil dreams... not their own but of everyone close to them. she cried herself to sleep that night... she lay restless and walked the morning breeze with the thought... it was an emotion too beautiful for her to handle... she figured she would never experience it...

and now well... waitin for the shards of glass to pierce her feet...

she..

and she lay with her head tufted in the softness of her pillow... the random light showed up the reddish tint of her hair as they came over her eyes... her tired eyes lay restless and open... she was warm in her blanket but cold in her heart... she was losing her own battle... she was mute.

imagine...!

imagine diving into a lake and staring up at the sky from under the water... imagine two stars colliding and exploding in that sky... imagine the heat engulfing you as the insane flaming particles find their way into the lake...

and now... imagine the cosmic power held by each ripple at that moment...!

will..!

darkness... cold raindrops... a breeze... a longing... fire on the raindrop!

disconnect...

dreams turn to naught... a fairytale reaches a temporary close... she's seen something she probably never wanted to see... she's breaking away from it but it's a lot of 'what if's?' clouding thought...

a wish.. a want... 'needs' are hormonal! a 'fire'? yes... maybe... it's like a "cold fire" slowly erupting and eventually seizing... ~to do something... the 'something' in its state of un-definition is itchy and dizzy... it's molten.. it's trying to find shape...

'clutter' she wants to keep yet wants to organize... a semi burnt candle.. a painting she looks at and knows is her voice... she knows it came from the deepest spaces of her crazy mind... spaces she had never dared to venture...

The man behind these empty words
Is crying out in shame
Holding on to this sinking ship
When nothing else remains

It's hard to hold your head up
When you're kneeling down to pray
And the talking dooesn't come easy now
When the words get in the way
And if you could see what's going on
Behind these private eyes
The truth would look so easy now
But I'm running out of lies

You think the shadow of doubt
Is hangin' over my head
It's just an angel whose wings hide the sun
And it's myself I betray
I can not wish this away
Took my chance now the damage is done

- Excerpts from 'all i want is everything' by Def Lep

And oh yes... Happy New Year!