what will be?

and as night fall captures every beat of her heart she looks at the raindrops splashing on the balcony and smiles... she wonders at the obsessive compulsive cleanliness that has taken a grip on her being (true and complete) and can feel a molten burgeoning change... she can feel her silence...

she lets the silence takeover... and waits...

zoya..

"it's like a white fire burning
to the slow music turning!"

as her eyes wander deep within to the unkempt soul, her spirit stares up at a jagged cliff...

life continues... soft.. driven.. slow.. and mad!

and then...

and she closes her eyes... she is surprised... she expected images of a fire breathing volcano to blow her apart but instead saw a bubbling stream...

she opened her eyes to a certain calm around her... her turmoil had begun to reduce... it was as if the cosmos had kept it's hand on her head... her eyes were still puzzled but her spirit was taking a slow stretch!

broken

" aur ek tamanna aaj uske dil me ghar kar gayi..."

she was always afraid of that... dreams are meant to be broken aren't they? that's a question she had asked someone of late and the someone's answer to that was not always.. and not completely.. a part does get fulfilled somewhere....

she had seen in someones eyes a will to fulfil dreams... not their own but of everyone close to them. she cried herself to sleep that night... she lay restless and walked the morning breeze with the thought... it was an emotion too beautiful for her to handle... she figured she would never experience it...

and now well... waitin for the shards of glass to pierce her feet...

she..

and she lay with her head tufted in the softness of her pillow... the random light showed up the reddish tint of her hair as they came over her eyes... her tired eyes lay restless and open... she was warm in her blanket but cold in her heart... she was losing her own battle... she was mute.

imagine...!

imagine diving into a lake and staring up at the sky from under the water... imagine two stars colliding and exploding in that sky... imagine the heat engulfing you as the insane flaming particles find their way into the lake...

and now... imagine the cosmic power held by each ripple at that moment...!

will..!

darkness... cold raindrops... a breeze... a longing... fire on the raindrop!

disconnect...

dreams turn to naught... a fairytale reaches a temporary close... she's seen something she probably never wanted to see... she's breaking away from it but it's a lot of 'what if's?' clouding thought...

a wish.. a want... 'needs' are hormonal! a 'fire'? yes... maybe... it's like a "cold fire" slowly erupting and eventually seizing... ~to do something... the 'something' in its state of un-definition is itchy and dizzy... it's molten.. it's trying to find shape...

'clutter' she wants to keep yet wants to organize... a semi burnt candle.. a painting she looks at and knows is her voice... she knows it came from the deepest spaces of her crazy mind... spaces she had never dared to venture...

The man behind these empty words
Is crying out in shame
Holding on to this sinking ship
When nothing else remains

It's hard to hold your head up
When you're kneeling down to pray
And the talking dooesn't come easy now
When the words get in the way
And if you could see what's going on
Behind these private eyes
The truth would look so easy now
But I'm running out of lies

You think the shadow of doubt
Is hangin' over my head
It's just an angel whose wings hide the sun
And it's myself I betray
I can not wish this away
Took my chance now the damage is done

- Excerpts from 'all i want is everything' by Def Lep

And oh yes... Happy New Year!